Completely bogged down with clich?s and dripping with overdone ?jokes?, Killers is a physically painful waste of two hours. Although summer movies tend to be ridiculous and stupid by nature, this film takes it to a whole new level, failing to capture even a full minute of humor among the preposterous and dumb. Everyone involved should be drawn and quartered for committing such a criminally bad project to film.
The absurdity begins when sheltered homebody Jen, played by Katherine Heigl (Knocked Up, The Ugly Truth), meets Spencer, played by Ashton Kutcher (The Guardian, Valentine?s Day), on a French vacation with her overprotective parents. Cut to three years later, where Jen and Spencer have been married for three years and live in total suburban bliss, until Spencer?s past as an assassin catches up to them ? something Jen was probably asking for by marrying a guy she?d known for only a couple months.
This begins two hours of mind-numbing pain as Jen and Spencer flee from the endless string of other assassins chasing them.
Sure, the plotline doesn?t independently instill a lot of confidence in Killers? quality, but it easily could have led to a smart, amusing summer flick. To have made this enjoyable version, however, Killers would have to feature remarkably different lead characters. Jen, as both the lonely daughter and self-conscious wife, personifies every negative quality given to neurotic female rom-com leads. Whether it is her spineless work relationships or her intense desire to substitute her parents for real friends, nothing about Jen screams marry-able, much less fall-head-over-heels-for-in-France-able. Spencer is no better. Void of a real personality, Kutcher?s specialty, he is no more than a caricature of what could be a deeply fascinating character. The only redeeming quality of either one, and the plainly stated reason that they are supposedly together, is their mutual attractiveness. Heigl and Kutcher, two daft comedians, were obviously cast solely because they look much better in front of a French beach than actors who could truly handle an outlandish rom-com.
To be fair, Heigl and Kutcher can?t be blamed for Killers? overwhelming faults; the true culprits are screenwriters Bob DeRosa (The Air I Breath) and Ted Griffin (Ocean?s Eleven, Rumor Has It), and director Robert Luketic (Legally Blonde, The Ugly Truth). The script was just as uneven and ridiculous as the characters developed within it, and its humor nonexistent. It?s impossible to tell which clich?, unintelligible lines were meant to be funny, effectively allowing the script to dig Killers? grave before production even began.
Regardless, not once during the entire film did more than one or two members of the audience laugh at the same time. And more often than not, these laughs seemed to occur during Kutcher?s shirtless scenes and sounded much closer to the giggles of preteen girls ? an unbelievable amount less than expected from the mind that brought us modern Danny Ocean and crew.
A majority of the script?s discernible attempts at humor revolved around witless references to its actors? previous work, from Catherine O?Hara?s (Away We Go, Penelope) boozy character to everything about Heigl?s portrayal of the overworked, loveless thirty-something. However, these throwbacks only managed to take something away from Killers. Constant mention of Tom Selleck?s (Magnum P.I., Three Men and a Baby) mustache only made the film?s ?twist? more predictable and Kutcher in any sort of law enforcement position demands comparison to Kelso?s time on the Point Place police force. In fact, the entire film could?ve easily been saved by having Kutcher, post-credits, inform audiences that they?d just been Punk?d.
The real shock is that Luketic, DeRosa and Griffin managed to get actors with such recognizable credits to reference in Killers. Selleck and O?Hara, especially, could and have done far better. Kutcher, who executive produced the film, should just have his agent, manager or pal Bruce Willis choose all of his future projects. Heigl, on the other hand, seems perfectly content continuously playing the pathetic, dull rom-com stereotype; she may even find it challenging to continuously bleach her hair and practice pronouncing whatever business terminology her ?career-driven? characters have to say.
In short, don?t waste the time or money to see Killers. No matter how dull a summer afternoon may seem, a repeat screening of anything in theatres would be more entertaining than a first viewing of Killers.